pine-cones

Post 200

2009-08-17T08:43:00.002+01:00

Is life so full of goodness that a sane response to the material universe(s) and all contained within is one of hearty laughter?

Back!

2008-12-01T20:45:00.000Z

With nothing to say.
A shame, as you will agree, all the more so because in the past year and a half I have had at least two potential blog topics. Neither of which are recalled here and now.

Grow A Patrick 5

2007-06-17T19:00:00.000+01:00

All hail the Champion Of Chubbers! Young Patters has been taking his time, like an 18-wheeler crawling from the horizon, but once he arrives you can see what a big beast he is up close. For this is the four week Patrick, the one month Patrick, the approximately 672 hour Patrick.

Forsooth he has impressed us all.

Day 1 Day 2

Day 3 Day 4

Day 28
The boy done well.

CHUNK-O-MATIC!

Black hole sun, won't you come.

Check back tomorrow to follow the new experiment of the Incredible Shrinking Patrick, now out of his watery habitat, back in the air and powering down.

Grow A Patrick 4

2007-06-13T21:30:00.000+01:00

Word up, this is the word on a 72 hour Patrick. x6 the size of Zero Hour Patters? We think not.

The little lad is increasing though. Check him out. But there are some teating problems in the cranial node. What's the dealy-o? You can tell he is straining hard but the child isn't cut out for such hard targets. Let's give him more time and see how he does.

Still, we must encourage the Patrick, for he has done well. He put in such an effort that he needed his water changing before picture time.

Day 1 Day 2

Day 3 Day 4
Inflatable Patrick is a happy child.
He's weirding out the neighbours.

CHUBBY CHECKERS!!

Inflatable Patrick distorts time, space, sound and sight. Observe the limboid.

Check back tomorrow for yet more Inflatable Patrick fun, if it were possible to endure the briefest of waits.

Grow A Patrick 3

2007-05-24T15:00:00.000+01:00

Here's the beef on 48 hour Patrick.

They boy is chubbing up. The boy is also auditioning for a spin-off for the X-Men franchise. The boy is freakazoid.

Top scientists are glad the wee lamb has put some meat on his bones but are not sure he is meeting the claimed x6 growth. Top scientists will be measuring Patrick with a special Pixelometer to determine the truth of the matter.

Day 1 Day 2 Day 3
Inflatable Patrick looks unwell but is having a great time
Top scientists deduce the air bubbles mean that The Patrick Lives

BUBBLING UP!!

Inflatable Patrick prepares for his first trip to Muscle Beach

Check back tomorrow for even more Inflatable Patrick fun, if you can stand it.

Grow A Patrick 2

2007-05-21T14:00:00.000+01:00

After 24 hours of Patrick fun, here's what's happened:

There has been a slight increase in Patrick volume but nowhere near the x2 expected from steady growth predictions. Although he did tub up quite well. The arms are a bit freaky.

Top scientists now anticipate exponential growth.

Day 1 Day 2

INTERESTING MUTATIONS!!

Inflatable Patrick is bobbling up
much like an underwater eggbox

Check back tomorrow for yet more Inflatable Patrick fun.

Grow A Patrick 1

2007-05-20T22:00:00.000+01:00

Hi!

Today I'm showing you how to Grow A Patrick. Patrick is a character from the popular animated cartoon Spongebob Squarepants. Patrick is in fact Spongebob's starfish friend.

As the Nickelodeon online shop says, "Grow A Patrick Star grow's 6X's its size in water in 72 hours". I am going to test that for your public educational purposes, by placing the Inflatable Patrick in a medium pyrex bowl of water and observing growth over some days.

Here's our Inflatable Patrick at the start of our education:

Inflatable Patrick
looks a bit Patricky

Inflatable Patrick
happy in the Empty Bowl

FILL THE BOWL!!

Inflatable Patrick
Spongebob Sides On

Inflatable Patrick a bit confused
Seagull's Eye View

Check back tomorrow for more Inflatable Patrick fun.

buns are now 2 for 5

2007-05-11T18:30:00.000+01:00

You know what would make a good ringtone? A sample of one of the brilliantly unimpressed voiceover girls from Morrisons' Supermarket saying

"Ding dong. Morrisons: the very best... for less"

Great ringtone.

post box poet

2007-05-01T18:00:00.000+01:00

the text is "abandon all hope ye who enter here". this is pretty fine. i laughed.
try to imagine me laughing if you can't remember it actually ever happening.

here's the boring "i've got a blog, woo look at me" bit..
the quote is either a misquote or a direct translation from Dante Alighieri's poem The Divine Comedy. Don't forget that in the poem Virgil take the reader to Hell first (the text is said to be the inscription above the gates of Hell) and then to Purgatory and then to Paradise.

i'm trying to make it sound like i've read it but of course i haven't, i only read about it on the internet to try and make myself sound knowledgable. i did almost read it in school when i spent all my lunchtimes in the library but it was the one with illustrations by William Blake and that kind of put me off.

Burger time has arrived

2007-04-16T20:30:00.000+01:00

You know it's summer when everyone in the shops is getting burgers, pizza and "outdoor beverages". Therefore it is officially summer. For the next two weeks.

Testament: Elijah

2007-04-06T16:00:00.000+01:00

just wait 'til he opens up the can of whupass

I am getting this. It is AWESOME.
Look at the guy. He is manga. That's what happens to people in the bible.
THEY GO MANGA BECAUSE OF THE POWERS.

Gig at The Lot

2007-02-28T17:00:00.000Z

There is a gig at The Lot, Grassmarket this Saturday evening, and I happen to *cough* know someone *cough* who is playing in the support band.

The support band is called The Vain Songs. The evilmyspace web page has an example of a vain song on it.

The headlining band is called Quench. The tunes on their own web site and also on their evilmyspace appear to be quite tight and played in the style of emotional hardcore and contemporary punk sounds.

£5 on the door because they are pros. 7:30pm kick off.

the smell of home

2007-02-27T17:30:00.000Z

in most flats you can come home to the smell of pizza
but in our flat, you can come home to the smell of FINE pizza

this i enjoy

it's on

2007-02-05T15:30:00.000Z

The answers are:

a. 7 months until lockdown
b. The Eiffel Tower was not involved
c. I don't know
d. Questions like that get you put on the hat committee

By the way I am engaged. You can make up questions to these answers!
[edit: 6 Feb 2007, 16:00]

mobile phone is dead

2007-02-02T09:00:00.000Z

My mobile phone has been killed. Does anyone have a spare they could sell me?

Turn Off Your Lights - Feb 1st, 7:55-8:00pm

2007-02-01T11:00:00.000Z

Pic: NASA

Apparently this "turn off your lights" demonstration / experiment / protest is for real (from Climatecrisicoalition.org):

The UN's paramount scientific authority on climate change meets in Paris from January 29 to February 1 to hammer out the first volume of a long-awaited report on the state of global warming today.

The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) is widely expected to declare that climate change is already on the march, many years sooner than expected, and the consequences for humans and biodiversity could be dire.

"By turning off lights and also electrical gadgets that are in stand-by mode, citizens, the media and decision-makers will get the message about energy waste and the urgent need for action" the Alliance For The Planet said.

funny haircut

2007-01-30T19:30:00.000Z

So the standard British barber cuts your hair and gets you out of the chair quick sharp. Not so with our Eastern European friends setting up shop in our fair city! There is a wealth of options on offer.
- Cut hair?
- Tapers?
- And beard sir? Yes? No?
- Eyebrows.
- Ears? You need ears done. Yes.
- Tapering done. Neck shave yes?
Do not think these are for the pampering. No sir we use hairdrying in eyes and ears yes. Get rid of hair, better than tissue.

tiny house

2007-01-24T23:00:00.000Z

TTHC's Eepoo house. Has wheels & snug loft.

This is quite good: somewhere to live, and very small. It's one of the slightly less tiny of the tiny houses from the Tumbleweed Tiny House Company. This one, yours for a mere £26k. See, if you got a mortgage for £500 pcm, it'd be paid off in just over 4 years. Sleeps two, bargain. Probably even room to install the internets too.

I saw the Tumbleweed site a few years ago, it is nice. Today I have read a little about The Small House Society (video on that page at the mo too) and the Dream Small site.

Maybe I'll just chuck out all my stuff.

Flaps

2007-01-14T22:30:00.000Z

The phone is equidistant from all other points in the flat. Thus, when it rings, you and all other inhabitants are also at equal distance from it, regardless of your starting position - a strange time-space phenomenon. There is always more than one person arriving at the phone to answer it.

It rang for the 3rd time that afternoon, so, determined to get there first (for the win) I leapt up out of my chair, bounded across my room, and jumped straight into the guitar amp. Big cracking sound as toes collided with amp controls, kicked a volume pot right off it, evil wide graze right along the side of my big toe, and hopped back to the chair to wait for pain to subside. Thought about pros/cons of having broken toes and getting frozen peas on the job. Decided coldness of peas would only add to the pain rather than distract or soothe.

There were skin flaps. ARGH.

(ps. it's better now.)

WW

2007-01-10T23:30:00.000Z

Jermaine Easter for the win!

Co-op Bank in Edinburgh - any chance?

2006-12-30T17:30:00.000Z

The Co-Operative Bank claims to be the only UK high street bank with an ethical investment policy. Their money-lending services are only available to businesses who comply with the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, uphold Fairtrade practices and allowing workers' rights; they asses the ecological impact of their corporate debtors, steer clear of companies involved in genetic modification and the arms trade; they look to support social enterprise and have a high level of consumer consultation. They really are an excellent bank and I can only recommend them based on their initiative and reputation.

Unfortunately, there is as yet only one branch of the Co-Operative Bank serving the whole of Scotland. That is the Glasgow Branch, on 29 Gordon Street. If you're in the area I suggest you get along there and see what they can do with your groats.

Because I would really like to see more branches of the Co-op in Scotland, I compared the UK population with the number of Co-op branches in each of the home nations:

Country....Population....Co-Ops....1 Branch per:
England........50m...............77.............650,000
Wales...........2.9m................8..............368,750
N. Ireland.....1.7m................1...........1,700,000
Scotland..........5m................1...........5,000,000

Edinburgh is the capital of Scotland, has large offices for many of the major UK banks, has been a Fairtrade City since March 2003, and is the base for a number of other FairTrade initiatives such as the New Consumer magazine. The combined population of Edinburgh and the Lothians is about 785,000. Also, and most importantly, I live here. So I'd like their next branch to be in Edinburgh. It's hard to believe there isn't one already - it must be because they have underestimated the use they would get and the benefit they'd bring to the 'burgh.

So I'm thinking of starting a petition to submit to the Co-Op, to show them that there would be significant demand for their services in Edinburgh.

scariest toilet

2006-12-08T16:00:00.000Z

The toilets at work have motion-sensitive detectors in them. The lights turn off when there's no-one there, and when you walk in and the lights are off, there's a delay of a few seconds while the lights turn on again. So you're walking in on total blackness.

If you don't hesitate (and I don't these days) you can be right in the middle of the room, in pitch darkness, before the lights come on. You can even get a bit of a buzz out of it, but that's wearing off now. Of course, I suppose if you are in there and don't move for long enough, the lights will think there's no-one there and will turn off again.

Today I realised that I am secretly disappointed with the toilet situation. In all my time here, no-one has gone to the trouble of hiding in the toilets and then scaring the meat and potatoes out of me by shouting really really loudly in my ear just as I reach the centre of the room. I feel this is something that is really missing from my life experience so far and I hope there is something that can be done about it.

Surely there's someone out there who can help my dream come true?

Happy Thanksgiving

2006-11-23T09:03:00.000Z

Retro Gaming

2006-11-13T12:00:00.000Z

So this kid asked me whether I liked retro games or graphics games. The modern child can consider anything more than 4 years old to be "retro": Theif 2 (2000), C&C Red Alert 2 (2000), and Morrowind (2002).

There are even those among today's youth who will go so far as to label some of this year's best selling games "retro". Graphics intensive, online multiplayer games such as Oblivion (2006) and World Of Warcraft (2006) can trace their lineage back through a series of sequels to titles more than a decade old - The Elder Scrolls: Arena (1994) and Warcraft: Orcs and Humans (1994).

Current estimates place the universe at 13.7 billion years old, and this planet at 4.5 billion. I am glad to be living on an old world.

[edited 21 Nov 2006 by pine-cones]

winter tactics

2006-10-25T15:00:00.000+01:00

Cornelius teaches Teodor about kettles

I have been collecting some winter tactics.

Be warm with a selection of interesting teas (loose leaf - v important).
Get replacement sunlight from a special light box or bedside clock.
Stockpile ravioli and strudel for emergency situations.
Drink lots of port and consume as many Mosque curries as possible. [hardasiron]
Find out which local Curry house keeps you warmest on the way home. [BeeGee]

Winter is upon us! What do you do?

consider a dream

2006-08-29T15:00:00.000+01:00

Consider a dream and its origins. Is it sent from God? Is it sent from the other one? Is it sent from your self?

There are ocassions when the usual methods of analysis are forsaken.

2006-08-28T16:00:00.000+01:00

One day there was a man. He fell asleep, and he dreamt. In his dream, he turned into frogs, and hopped. The end.

2006-08-25T10:00:00.000+01:00

One day there was a man. He fell asleep, and he dreamt. The end.

2006-08-24T13:00:00.000+01:00

One day there was a man. He fell asleep, and he died. The end.

Pet

2006-07-14T11:00:00.000+01:00

the morningside bicycle

It seems that Morningside has a new pet - the Morningside Bicycle. It is D-locked only to itself and moves occasionally.

Making a killing

2006-07-13T14:30:00.000+01:00

In a shop this morning, an import came out the back to take money for goods. He was on the phone and excused himself "hold on a minute mate, I've got someone". Then after he gave change, he went back on the phone and said "sorry about that, I just had to kill someone". Maybe a direct translation from the mother tongue? Every industry has its lingo.

2006-07-07T17:00:00.000+01:00

Sustainable Scotland Network are hosting a report written as a result of collaboration between some Scottish Local Authorities, looking at what's involved in creating sustainable housing in future.

Visionary Report (PDF)

It's quite good.

2006-06-06T08:30:00.000+01:00

I am not rich in any way that matters.
I know the world is good but I can't see it.

(Try to read these words as if they are not coming from a depressed man)

molding

2006-05-29T13:30:00.000+01:00

I have a new hairstyle. It is called the "Nice Pete".

fpli

2006-05-16T09:30:00.000+01:00

Fantasy Premier League International is now up and running. Only a few of the real players are in the game at the moment, but as the FPLIbots work out their values, more will be made available for selection. You have until the end of May to finalise your squad - just like in the real World Cup.

Transfers are free this time round. However, they're limited to 4 transfers per gameweek during the group stages. After that there's no limit. No no, no no no no.

Squad size is smaller than I thought too, at 12 players - that's 1 goalie, 4 defenders, 4 midfielders and 4 attackers. You get to pick a manager too! (sven sven sven)

You can also join a lot of leagues with other players, or create your own, which means you can compete with other people and find out how the better FPLI teams get their points.

tea + far east travel =

2006-05-11T14:30:00.000+01:00

Foto: ScaryGoRound

I don't suppose anyone here would be interested in reading the Antics of a Roving Teaaholic, would they?

euangelion

2006-05-11T10:00:00.000+01:00

good news, good news. now to find somewhere round here that's showing it...

fantasy world cup

2006-05-08T10:30:00.000+01:00

official world cup mascot

Fantasy Premier League International, where you manage a team selected from Premier League players performing at the FIFA World Cup 2006, will launch on Monday, 15th May. fantasy.premierleague.com

I invite you to play Fantasy Premier League International - World Cup 2006 with me this summer! It's easy and fun. Sometimes so fun it becomes fnu.

You get 100 credits to spend on a squad of 15 players. Those players can be from any team in the FIFA World Cup this summer. Then out of your 15 players, you pick 11 to play for each round of matches in the actual World Cup.

Then you get points for how well your players do. There are also player transfers, double points, extra points for overall skills, deductions for fouls or getting thrashed. You can form leagues with other people to see how well you are doing and how your team choices compare. I've been playing the game for the English Premier League for some of the domestic season and it's so easy to use and great fun. You can change your team throughout the World Cup or you can just pick one and leave it to see how they do. The best thing is you really don't have to know what you're doing to enjoy it or even to do well! At least, I thought I knew what I was doing and did rubbish, and Ninjajing didn't touch his team all season and beat me...

So let me know if you're thinking of playing and we can go in a league together. :)

wilderness

2006-05-03T14:00:00.000+01:00

Here are some books and authors' quotes that I am finding slightly interesting. Feel free to investigate further as it can be quite easy to misunderstand them:

Chosen ................................... Lucifer ............................... Testament

"As I've always understood them, and as I try to convey them in my comic book, the stories in the Bible are less significant because they happened at some moment in history than because their underlying dynamics seem to be happening in all moments. We are all Cain, struggling with our feelings about a sibling who seems to be more blessed than we are. We are always escaping the enslaved mentality of Egypt and the idolatry we practiced there. We are all Mordechai, bristling against the pressure to bow in subservience to our bosses." DOUGLAS RUSHKOFF, rushkoff.com

"[Lucifer is told] that if he were to kill Yahweh, it would destroy him too. [He] replies that this is precisely the problem: there isn't anywhere he can go to be free of that influence, because Yahweh's thumb print is on the whole of Creation. 'There's nowhere I can go where I won't meet him.' Okay, this is a special case, but the anguish and frustration that he's voicing... well, it ought to strike a chord for us, too. It's the complaint of a contingent being who wants to be absolute." MIKE CAREY, SFsite.com

"..by insisting we 'believe' that the Bible happened at some moment in distant history, the keepers of religion prevent us from realizing that the Bible is happening right now, in every moment. The narrative and its power transcend time." DOUGLAS RUSHKOFF, forbiddenplanet blog

"Christianity has become so targeted over the last forty years that I actually think it's more interesting to defend it and possibly explore what's made it such a potent force in the world for the last twenty centuries ... I wanted to do a series of books where I extended the storyline and wrapped everything up in a logical conclusion that was as relevant to the modern world as the New Testament was two thousand years ago." .MIKE MILLAR, SilverBulletComicBooks.com

performance art

2006-05-02T23:30:00.000+01:00

Foto & Caption: bbc.co.uk/kent

So, you have tribute bands, and tribute military re-enactments - why not tribute football teams? Two teams could play each other to produce tribute matches. I suppose sometimes people reproduce matches with subbuteo, but how about in real life?

all up in your face

2006-04-30T17:00:00.000+01:00

Foto: Simpson-Halloween.com

did i tell you about the time i dreamt i beat up 50Cent? i either dreamt it or imagined it really well. pretty sure it didn't actually happen, for a variety of reasons.

anyway, i'm all walking into this public toilet, and 50Cent is in there, using the urinal i guess. anyway, i see him there, and i'm like "Ok, normally i couldn't do this, but seeing as i could get the jump on him here.." so like i take a run up and leap off a cubicle wall or something right onto him. it gets quite violent from there, involving ceramics of various types and so on, but basically i rule. incidentally, all my imaginary tattoos are in place at this point as well.

i can't work out if i dreamt it or whether i read about how it's something Robbie Williams imagines doing sometimes. it's just something that pops in there from time to time.

new music, express yourself

2006-04-27T10:30:00.000+01:00

so liek all these guy s are dissin stuff why? is really cool n stuff and alot of ppl r in2 it&if they undrstoof they wouldnt. i know im gonna regret saying this but anyway watch it try not 2b hating them cos thats not cool but u kno where they stand n u kno where u stand so basically that s it realy. also they dont know anything about music they just talk so anyway

oh shut up. i gues s you have never felt real emotion YOU DONT KNOW

public notice

2006-04-25T11:00:00.000+01:00

Cajun/Persian/Eastern European knees-up. No-holds-barred limb moving.

Foto: Original by Polly Verity for The Tuberians

"The Next Tuberia will be on Saturday 6th May 2006 at Old St Pauls Hall, Edinburgh EH1. Doors open 7.00, band on at 8.00. Arrive early to eat! Finishing time 12.00 midnight.

Tickets £5 in advance from Susies Diner, 51 West Nicholson St. £6 on door. The Tuberians will play as usual, and special guests will be the Pendulums. 78rpm swing Gramophone records will be played from 7.00 to 8.00. Licensed bar.

Catering will be from Coyaba Jamaican Restaurant. £4 Nyam Nyam - Jerk chicken Curry served with rice and peas and salad. Roots Love Potions."

Keep looking at The Tuberians' Next Tuberia page for more details. May be of interest to Polish, Czech, Bulgarian, Iranians, Spanish, Texans, Russians, North Americans, Palestinians, Carribeans, Iraquis, Estonians, Portugese, Romanians, Iberians, Saudis, assorted Scandinavians, Turkish, Israelis, and general People in Edinburgh.

rumour mill

2006-04-24T23:59:00.000+01:00

So I got a text this morning that said

Hey [Name] I heard you got engaged. Just wanted to say - congratulations! [Name]

Who knew? Not me!

Strangely enough I did dream last night that I got engaged. But it was more of a "Oh, so we're getting married next week. I suppose we should get engaged then, right?" sort of a dream. It happens from time to time.

Remember, kids, always go to sleep with aluminium foil wrapped around your head. Keeps people from listening to your thoughts while you're all unaware.

crowd control

2006-04-22T12:00:00.000+01:00

Foto: EPA

Q:What is it like playing in front of a large crowd? I used to get excited playing in front of 30 or so people in a local league game, still do.
MIKE WATTS, WALES.

A:It is a fantastic buzz.

It is great because you feel like you are part of something. You could be running out in front of thousands of people, while millions are watching on television. In a small way you are a part of history.

Of course, by the following week it is all forgotten and you have to move on.
JASON ROBERTS, WIGAN FC and GRANADA

From BBC Sport

Linguistini Quarterly

2006-04-21T13:00:00.000+01:00

To continue a theme present in your mind (if not in mine too), four letter words are in general very useful. As many office workers can attest, even the most dulled of brains can construct meaning from context, however obtuse the subject matter may be. To illustrate, please read the following article which has been reproduced accurately except with a maximum character-count of four per word. And yet, the content is largely understandable.

If you were an acto and were more-or-less avai (or even, as in my case, huge and unde in dema from all quar of the indu but still just abou avai) and your agen were to ring you with an offe to play (with reco to any Russ acce) the glor self-serv ponc, shys Chic at the hear of Gogo - unus for Russ lite (not that I've read it all) - humo, sati and, some woul say, alle mast Dead Soul; and if you felt espe qual to unde the part havi alre perf the kind role of Hles at the tend age of 14 in a (rath well-rece, if I reca) scho prod of Gogo othe grea work The Gove Insp and furt, if you were appr of the fact that the piec was adap with rigo, irre and unab sill by word Dan (what a grea surn) Rebe of rece criti accl thea piec Here What I Did with My Body One Day fame; and if you knew that you also had the envi oppo to play the merr fool (just an expr - not a char in Dead Souls) with (and I don't wish to come over too luvv but...) a supe cast of love folk head, in the role of narr, by none othe by than the admi unpr and pers, pere and Pyth-y Pali; and (here's a, if not, the rub), even if acce of said role enta trav to Manc with a rece hern disc (lett of symp and gifts of cond to my agen, plea) and reco the enti proc over the cour of four days whil knee on cush and squa in a seri of undi and only occa comf posi, and desp ever best effo and lots of coff and bisc and symp, you were still in cons pain, but that pain led you to some feel a stran empa with the spir and hist suff of the Russ peop as a whol and the pers torm of the auth hims who, in late year, havi fall unde the infl of a zeal prie, agon over the perc amor of his crea (Goog Gogo for more info); if, in conc, all the abov cond obta, woul you acce the job even at the risk of thus some offe the dead soul of Gogo hims? I did.

PS: I woul very much like to be cons for the role of "zeal prie" in any fort dram of Gogo life (I expe Pali will be offe the main part).

Could you tell that the article was indeed by none other than Mark Heap, much vaunted theatri-comic actor, writing about a two-part production of Gogol's Dead Souls to feature on Radio 4 in which he will be playing the lead character of Chichikov starting this Sunday 23 April, from 3pm to 4pm, and again the following week (The full and unabbreviated text is available to read in this week's Radio Times, accompanied by a picture-portrait and an artistic representation of the play's production)?

Interestingly, not only does this show something of the innate ability of the human mind to seek meaning by connecting disparate sources, but word-shortening techniques can also be used as an aid when learning large amounts of written material: after a period of time, the learner restores the altered passage from memory. The extra work involved in reconstructing a text both meaningful and faithful text is most assistive in the creation and strengthening of neural networks. It should be noted that by constricting wordlength at four letters, the overall character count dropped by only 22.7%, emphasising the prolifigacy of our small friends. Further study could also draw attention to attention spans, breathing capacity, and the psychogrammatical feature written into the original text as it stands at a mere three sentences long (max length 394w, min 2w, median 124.3r).

yassss

2006-04-20T10:00:00.000+01:00

Pardon me, but I notice you do not have a Beard
...
May I ask WHY?

i'm the scat man

2006-04-18T14:30:00.000+01:00

Kwok MangHo/Guo Menghao/Frog King

last night i had to educate two people from a nearby church about swear words being ok at times. there was an "open question" session, people had written down questions and put them in an actual hat, and i think this one was required to be answered by me. the question was "how do you justify the use of badwords according to scripture?".

perhaps they had been listening to my private moments using special devices but nomatter, i explained that there are in fact four categories of swear words according to holy writ. in laymans terms, two categories are not allowed, one is allowed, and one is reserved especially for use by god.

obviously it is more complicated than that but for those of you interested in cliffsnotes at this time of year, there it is.

i am a man of weak hams

2006-04-18T14:00:00.000+01:00

On the back of packets of Seabrooks, there is a list of available flavours just like any other self-promoting crisp packet. Below that, there is the following advice

Can't find your favourite flavour? Visit
www.seabrookcrisps.com
for our mail order service

Thank you, internets.

By the way, Seabrook Crisps are the best crisps and cost only ~27p, or actually 25p if you order 48 packs at once from Mr C Brook's very own representatives. I believe they are crisps of the spirit.

a portrait of the artist as a young man

2006-04-18T12:00:00.000+01:00

If Harry Potter was any good that is how it would turn out. But alas, in comparison, it is cack.

Also, I am definitely crying at the World Cup. It doesn't matter what happens but I am definitely crying. That's what my self told me today, and this is part of getting ready for it.

the time of Akira is near

2006-03-24T13:30:00.000Z

beware of those who distort positives under the guise of science
under the guise of development we find waste after waste
under the guise of culture we fine desolation of the human heart

it is time to repent for all sins

the time to awake is near
the time of the great awakening is near
are your hearts prepared? LADY MIYAKO

shout outs

2006-02-20T16:00:00.000Z

to the ile de france.

the (in)elasticity of consumer goods

2006-02-17T23:30:00.000Z

Where is the most expensive pint in Edinburgh?
I have heard that Left Bank are charging £3.05 a Guinness.

Quasi

2006-02-17T19:00:00.000Z

Not one single ancient culture says "we figured all this out ourselves."
SAM COOMBES

bus pass

2006-01-24T18:00:00.000Z

driver: stupid bus. this bus stop is really in the wrong place.
passenger: it does make it difficult to pass.
driver: and there's nothing i can do about it. he better not expect me to get by cos i can't.
passenger: yeah it's kind of busy i suppose.
driver: i can't believe it's taking so long. i mean, what are people doing?
passenger: i suppose there's a long queue.
driver: and now he's waiting for folks that aren't even in the queue!
passenger: true.
driver: at last. look at that, there's a massive queue of oncoming traffic now. it's not like it's my fault, what was i supposed to do, back up and run someone over? i can't help it if they can't get past. they just have to deal with it.
passenger: ...
driver: i mean, people, eh? it's always someone else's fault, isn't it?

crazy taxi

2006-01-20T10:30:00.000Z

image from 38one logo design

driver: i'll see if i can beat the light
passenger: don't worry there's plenty of time
driver: it's not that, i just don't like being stuck at the lights
passenger: yeah
driver: in fact i've been known to jump red lights
driver: you know, when nothing's coming. what's the point in waiting?
passenger: ...
driver: i mean, just on junctions i know. not big crossroads, see?

the 7

2006-01-11T16:00:00.000Z

I met a man who left off the first digit of the bus number when discussing which service would arrive at the bus stop next with myself and another pedestrian. So, the 14 was the 4, and the 23 was the 3, and so on. He was in high spirits and about to visit a public house in between leaving his bus and arriving home, although he never verbally confirmed what he was going to do. Rather, he implied it with hand movements.

Other topics of conversation among us included:
Smoking (bans and quitting),
New buildings (rumours), and
Reasons to live with your parents ("my boyfriend commited suicide").

Talking in public places is no longer considered usual but it can often be a worthwhile experience.

con>

2005-12-30T01:00:00.000Z

tape measure is knit-whit's.

*tonight we are slaves to no-one except the rhythm.

photojournalism

2005-12-16T14:25:00.000Z

Photo ©Thorne Anderson/Corbis

"If our journeys behind the lines were acts of faith, then they were also proof that often when one man is confronted with the humanity of another, he will not raise his rifle and pull the trigger. This is not disloyalty to one's country. It is the thing that brings an end to war.""Unembedded", Digital Journalist, Iss 97, Dec 05.

cheese

2005-12-12T15:30:00.000Z

Gruyere cheese nutrition pyramid from NutritionData

Macaroni could well be on for tonight.

dreamlog

2005-11-19T11:30:00.000Z

farcry screenshot from gamespot

i've been in a first-person shooter for the past three nights. i hadn't given it much thought. i haven't played an fps for a good few weeks either.

17 nov 2005 a.m.
secret mission, covert spy style. grey weather. am following a guy around a 60s-built concrete-style university campus, firearm must remain hidden, nearly loose him several times. eventually after clearing a wall and rounding a pond, am about to follow him into what must be a student union building but realise that the A4 notice pinned to the door is announcing a neo-nazi meeting. might be walking into a trap but it's my mission so what choice do i have. there will be a way to complete my mission and escape unharmed.

18 nov 2005 a.m.
about 6 to 9 of us are hurridly setting up rusty empty oil drums, wooden crates, tables and the like, for the imminent shoot-out. although the environment is outside, green grass, field, there is the atmosphere of a Western cowboy confrontation about to take place. scanning the grass for pick-ups, most notably ammunition for shotguns and handguns as we seem to have low reserves.

19 nov 2005 a.m.
squad-based tactical action shooter. vivid colours, tropical with palm trees. we have to take the white palace, ornate on the outside, with vast grounds, walls, watchtowers. soon a running battle takes place as our presence is discovered, we are one squad in an army, the enemies appear to be ninjas but their firearms are an alien technology which we must learn to use quickly as we are not carrying heavy weaponry ourselves, dropships approach containing more enemy reinforcements and all the while we carry on, using grappling hooks to climb trees and fences, advancing closer to the palace and the windows we have to climb up to and into.

inside joke

2005-10-07T11:00:00.000+01:00

"Tre Sheppard is.."

from an an edward monkton card/mug/scarf/blazer

lighthouses

2005-09-30T16:30:00.000+01:00

Some may be interested to view a Worldwide Lighthouse List.

Tenuosity

2005-09-23T12:00:00.000+01:00

some MonsterFactory toys, by Rhya

Hello. Toys without irony is a webring for plush toys, or "soft" toys. I found MonsterFactory (sample pictured above) which is part of it. MonsterFactory has connections with Toronto-based writer's collective Tuesday. Someone who is involved with the Tuesday group has also been to a meeting of Dorkbot, ~~which is a .. well, i'm not sure~~ which, according to Wikipedia, is "a group of affiliated organizations worldwide that sponsor meetings of artists, engineers, and designers working in the medium of electronic art".

Anyway, there might be one in Edinburgh soon.

Webring Link: Toys Without Irony

mew

2005-09-21T16:00:00.000+01:00

Here is a picture from Mew rocking out from Finnishwebsite Mesta

MEW are playing Edinburgh Liquid Room this Friday, 23 Sept. Tickets £10.50 cash from Ripping Records, £11 by card. Mew have videos playing while they are playing. It is like art-rock except with more timings and pop punches. They like Stina Nordenstam AND crunch guitars.

Join me.

Mew's new album, Mew and the glass handed kites, will be BBC6Music's Album Of The Day on Tuesday September 30th. So there! It means someone else thinks they are good.

scarborough

2005-09-20T10:00:00.000+01:00

How do they choose the towns they show on the front of national roadmaps and similar atlases? Is there a rule or formula: Average number of roundabouts ÷ incidences of bird-related injury? Or just where a mapmaker's grandparents once dreamt of retiring to?

order of service

2005-08-08T12:00:00.000+01:00

the order of application is usually cheese on top of marmite on top of toast. have you ever considered using cheese as the base layer, and spreading the marmite on top?

zelda's duvet cover

2005-07-26T14:30:00.000+01:00

craig ward

2005-06-28T16:30:00.000+01:00

i was going to write about his blog where he reviews different belgian beers and never mentions his post-dEUS band, but i can't find it, so.

edinburghskyline

2005-06-09T12:30:00.000+01:00

Would anyone be interested in doing something like BarcelonaSkyline.com except for Edinburgh?

advice machine

2005-06-06T14:00:00.000+01:00

Because you are not aware of the "Ask A Question" feature on the Andrew W.K. website, I am alerting you to it RIGHT NOW. Read it. Weep - for joy.

rockingnest

2005-06-06T13:30:00.000+01:00

LOOK HERE THEY ARE TOGTHER BEARING WITNESS
THEY ARE SEPARATE ENTITIES AND NOT THE SAME

blocked

2005-05-28T17:30:00.000+01:00

I couldn't get back to sleep and drove over to the 24hr supermarket, not finding the marmite anywhere. When it came to paying for items, the dreaded amount was just over the coin allowance. "I'm going to have to pay for it by card". Except "the PIN got blocked, so I can't PIN it." The cashier stared ahead into the wilderness of plasma-screened till interface. Hiding-marmite paranoia sprung me, are they going to make me stay there until I guess the code or get taken away by security - not before you've put those products back on the shelves, young man. Stay back, cold sweats, as I assert myself over you! "What I mean to say is that the card got blocked, so I can't sign for it." In spite of my confidence, the cashier looks back as if I'm the dumbest customer of the night. "So you're saying that you can't use the PIN code, and you can't sign for it, but you still want to pay by card?".

Now look, cashface, where would you get an idea like that? Just because you've been on the night shift and served all manner of toads and weasels, are paid crumbs for your sleep deprivation and have even less career options than I do, there's no need to take it out on me.

versus deux

2005-05-17T02:30:00.000+01:00

vs
Star Wars III vs Lego Star Wars

your winners, please.

the ultimate in transmutation 2

2005-05-10T10:00:00.000+01:00

How, do you think, does life come from non-life?

Come on, people, this isn't a pop quiz. I really want to know.

the ultimate in transmutation

2005-05-09T11:00:00.000+01:00

How, do you think, does life come from non-life?

VoTM GiGs!

2005-05-05T16:30:00.000+01:00

Check it out! Dougal's band, Voice of The Mysterons:

07 MAY SATURDAY - Harburn Hall, Livi Livi Livingston. 7:30, £3
10 MAY TUESDAY - 13th Note Cafe, 50-60 King Street, Glasgow.
22 MAY SUNDAY - Cowgate Subway, Edinburgh. bands from midday, VoTM on ~7:50pm, £4
26 MAY THURSDAY - Underworld, at Bannerman's Bar, Cowgate, Edinburgh. 8:45, £4

Guess what the gigs will be like using the Douglarisation Scale.

recon

2005-05-05T16:00:00.000+01:00

Look at the world's worst trouble spots and you can't fail to notice they have one thing in common: tit-for-tat attacks between warring parties. Escalation of violence is incredibly destructive, yet we humans find it very difficult to break the vicious cycle. It seems we are not good at conflickt resol;tuion. Perhaps we could learn a lesson or two from the spotted hyena.LEE DUGATKIN, NEW SCIENTIST 07 MAY 2005 pp34-36.

stretch denim

2005-05-03T14:30:00.000+01:00

To prove that I am the edge of edge, as capable as anyone of culling from popular street-vend weeklies targeting Waterstones employees and their friends in the run-up to book releases:

I was like a modern day priest, collecting confessions for marketing strategies that converted vulnerabilities into consumer desire and sold salvation through brands. AMARANTA WRIGHT

poppers

2005-04-29T12:30:00.000+01:00

Pac-Man = The Lord

Pac-Man ... is the most thoroughly theological of all the video games. JOHN ROBERT McFARLAND

Who cares? Who cares wins. I am a two pound mouse! Give me my coins! Arf!

j p heller

2005-04-28T18:00:00.000+01:00

vs
i can't decide between cat power and maher shalal hash baz, both performing on Sunday night as part of the Triptych festival. Your comments, please. Aid me.

leaping

2005-04-28T13:00:00.000+01:00

rate your day on a scale of 1 to Rocking in the following categories
a) you
b) the weather
c) your work
d) nutritional ~~value~~ yums
e) other rockingness
f) overall

bus

2005-04-21T15:30:00.000+01:00

forget all that express crapola, it's the St Catherine's Transit Authority that's really important.

I got a limo that's 40 feet long
I got a chaffeur who won't steer me wrong

sops

2005-04-21T12:00:00.000+01:00

Not until today did I realise that the Scottish Daily Express has a tagline of "The Voice of Reason".

zoomquilt

2005-04-06T08:00:00.000+01:00

click, hold, zoom.

the bells!

2005-04-05T13:00:00.000+01:00

today i am mostly trying to keep my upper back and shoulders straight. easy enough, eh?

in other news today, i have just one thing to say:

ligaments

woom woom

2005-03-31T10:30:00.000+01:00

i want to be a sub woofer
disguised as a brick
cemented in
and activated

fly guy

2005-03-31T08:00:00.000+01:00

be a man flying in the sky and occasionally photocopying

chunderful

2005-03-29T12:30:00.000+01:00

May God put a funnel in the top of your head and pour god-water in it so much that it comes out of your mouth and you turn into a living god-spewing gargoyle happily attached to a big building of God.

battle of the planets

2005-03-24T07:30:00.000Z

I had a bit of trouble getting onto GoogleWar.com, but apparently GoogleBattle.com is even better. Check it out, helpful yellow faces tell you which word is best. Words vs Words & Pictures: Words and Pictures win for nostalgia reasons alone.
Thanks, Lever, for pointing this out! Funs.

rollicking time

2005-03-23T08:30:00.000Z

my pal Catherine has had her book published. there's a sample from it on the publisher's website. Coming Back To Life is, of course, available on Amazon as well as on the well-lit shelves of the Edinburgh Blackwells, so it's been said.

inflatable hamsters

2005-03-22T13:30:00.000Z

Horrors! and the shocks! Hamsters ideal for city living.

Peter Logsdail, of the National Hamster Council, said: “A lot of young people are moving into flats or multioccupier accommodation, where it would be impractical to have a dog or a cat. We’re noticing a significant increase in inquiries from people between 20 and 30 and young married couples.”

from The Times, 22 March 2005.

random fad

2005-03-07T07:30:00.000Z

Randomness. I've had enough of it.

Bring on the providence zeitgeist.

mentalism

2005-03-03T16:30:00.000Z

the other day i managed to cut something out using perfect straight lines. and i mean perfect. i got richard dawkins to verify it and everything.

anyway it's a pretty big deal for me to cut something out, straight. it's something i've struggled with since i was a child because, as some of you know, i have no hands. i have to do everything with the power of my mind.

no, wait. that's not it. ok, ok, i remember now. i have to do everything with the power of my hands, because, as some of you will appr

fame - but deceptively won

2005-03-03T12:30:00.000Z

If you type in "Antony Gormley - Still IV" into the bbc.co.uk Search the Web function, this page comes out third in the list.

Sorry to the punter who swung by earlier today, expecting some kind of critical analysis of AG and his fine fettling. Why not assuage your dissapointment by checking out 90daysofhair instead, and then ask yourself "But is it ART?"

subcutaneous thumb

2005-03-01T19:00:00.000Z

i am wondering whether humans use their noses to aid with depth perception, similar to the way in which bulls use their horns.

you muppet

2005-02-25T12:00:00.000Z

What Muppet are you? brought to you by Quizilla

You are Animal. You are completely nuts, but fun to be around. SPECIAL TALENTS: Drums, Women, Food. HOBBIES: Drums, Women, Food. FAVOURITE EXPRESSIONS: "Louder!", "Food now!" and "Want Woman!". LAST BOOK EATEN: "The Musicians' Guide to Drums, Women & Food". NEVER LEAVES HOME WITHOUT: An appetite.

More muppetry available at the Kermitage.

clayhill

2005-02-25T10:30:00.000Z

brilliant brilliant brilliant. Gavin out of Sunhouse, Ali out of Red Snapper, Ted from Beth Orton. gonna go and see them on March 5th, King Tuts. Anyone wanna come? get samples at clayhillmusic.com. Have it!!!

Sat 26TH Feb: BRISTOL The Cube (inc screening of Shane Meadow's Northern Soul)
Sun 27TH Feb: EXETER Phoenix
Mon 28TH Feb: LIVERPOOL Academy 2
Tue 1ST Mar: CHESTER Telfords Warehouse
Wed 2ND Mar: HOLMSFIRTH Picturedrome (inc Northern Soul)
Fri 4TH Mar: NEWCASTLE Cluny
Sat 5TH Mar: GLASGOW King Tuts
Sun 6TH Mar: BIRMINGHAM The Glee Club

futureshokkkk

2005-02-18T07:30:00.000Z

looking forward to the day that preachers stop using movies to illustrate their salient points and start using computer games

hurry up!

richard

2005-02-11T15:00:00.000Z

Richard is a genius. Not quite on a par with Simon Amstell, but still a genius. However much he may annoy you. Thus, Simon Carr writes in the Independant, today:

[Their] amiable manner doesn't stop Richard or Judy asking the questions, however. "Knowing what you know now, would you have invaded Iraq?" Richard asked. "Knowing there were no WMD?"

A hostile questioner wouldn't get an answer on that at all. Mr B can be fiercely self-justifying, as we know. But to Richard, it was a case of Yes, Actually. "I would still have continued with it," Tony said.

That was a surprise, wasn't it? The whole casus belli was based on Saddam's imminent threat to the West and the PM tells us on Richard & Judy that it wasn't really that important. This sofa government is great, isn't it? You really feel part of the process.

Witness supreme interrogation skills! Flabberghast at shocking revelations prized from the clam of government! I reckon they're gonna recruit him to MI5. Maybe they already have.